FEBRUARY 2025
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Mom's Recent Claims of Being 'Just Fine' Rated 'Mostly False' By Independent Fact-Checkers
by Luna Kaitlin Murs, Total BossLeading fact-checkers have rated Mom's repeated claims of being "just fine" as "Mostly False" following extensive investigation. Evidence includes sighing while billing clients, staring at phone with furrowed brow, and drinking third cup of coffee before noon.
"Our analysis shows Mom is actually anywhere between 'needs a nap’ to ‘seriously questioning her life decisions,’" reports our Feels Correspondent Johnny Listener.
Key indicators include talking to herself while making grocery lists and responding "everything's fine" in that tight voice that means nothing is fine.
When reached for comment, Mom maintained she was "totally fine" while accidentally putting her phone in the refrigerator.
Rating: Three Pinocchios out of four.
Tooth Fairy Now Requires Two Sources of DNA — or “No Deal”
by Johnny Loose Change, Allowance and Dividends CorrespondentThe Tooth Fairy announced major policy changes today, citing "current market conditions" and "rising operating costs." New requirements include DNA samples from both a lost tooth and either a hair strand or fingernail clipping.
"Look, teeth alone just aren't cutting it anymore," explained Fairy spokesperson through a dream message. "We're running a creepy experiment in genetics here, not a charity."
Local 7-year-old Jimmy Watson reports finding cryptocurrency wallet instructions under his pillow instead of traditional payment. "I guess Uncle Billy was right," Jimmy said tearfully. “Elections do have consequences.”
The Easter Bunny declined to comment on whether similar biometric requirements are planned for future egg hunts.
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SCANDAL: Some Unicorns Just Regular Horses With Stylists
by Johnny Dizzystars, Magic CorrespondentShocking revelations rocked the magical community today as investigators uncovered several self-proclaimed unicorns were actually regular horses with expensive beauty routines and glue-on horns.
"We got suspicious when we saw one indulging in normal horse vices like cribbing, biting, and weaving," reported Johnny Manure. "We all know real unicorns are perfect in every way."
Industry insiders claim some horses have been using social media filters and professional lighting to maintain the deception. "It's creating a lot of status anxiety among the equine demographic," noted one watchful mare.
The Magical Creatures Authentication Board has launched an emergency audit. Meanwhile, several exposed horses maintain they're just “living aspirationally," which they maintain is a “higher truth.”
VP Casts Tie-Breaking Vote, Donuts For Breakfast!
In a historic Saturday morning Senate session, the Vice President was called in to break a 50-50 deadlock over Dad’s breakfast choices. The contentious vote came after several minutes of groggy protest from Mom.
"This is a victory for deep-fried bread everywhere," declared Senator Lee, already helping himself to a second bear claw. Minority Leader Schumer called the decision "a dark day for a protein-rich diet" while drowning his sorrows in extra sprinkles.
The waffle caucus has announced plans to filibuster lunch.
by Mr. Bear, Congressional Correspondent. UPDATE: Moon Testing 'FOCUS' Status, Earth Still Not Getting the Hint
by Johnny Marrs, Milky Way CorrespondentFollowing last month's privacy complaints, the Moon has implemented new boundaries, including a "DO NOT DISTURB" status indicated by cloud coverage. Earth continues to ignore these signals.
"We gave them a whole peek-a-boo protocol, but they're still staring," sighed the Moon's communications director. "Even during new moon phases, when I'm clearly offline."
Latest reports show Earth has started sending unsolicited satellite notifications. "It's getting kind of creepy," admitted one lunar crater who wished to remain anonymous for fear of colonization.
The Sun has offered to mediate the situation, but Earth maintains it has “moved on” and is now talking to a couple of Saturn’s moons — despite evidence suggesting otherwise.
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LETTER FROM THE TOTAL BOSS
Hello, everyone!
Luna Kaitlin Murs, here, flying solo while my managing editor is in time out.
So, with the rollout of my media empire last month we ran into some of the usual bugs. No biggie!
Maybe it was a mistake to crowd source our content moderation from my 53 astronaut figures. We had Johnny Comet, Johnny Space Probe, Johnny Motion Sickness, Johnny Muscle Atrophy. Now, like me you’re probably thinking: astronauts! Sounds real professional, right?
What a supercluster!
Johnny Lunar kept flagging everything happy as "helio-normative bias" (his words, not mine). Like, we get it. Your thing is the moon. And you’re sooo dark and mysterious. Whatever. Grow up, Johnny Lunar!
Though what’s worse were those who weren’t as secure in their identities. Like Johnny Venus. He removed ALL posts he decided weren't "alpha enough." WEIRD-O!
The only good one was Johnny Content Moderation. His work was impeccable. But then he left to start his own media empire. Because of course he did!
Yep! With this mess over, I’m excited to get back to our roots as a company that brings people together through proprietary technology we will not divulge.
Your Total Boss,
Lu
P.S. - I’m omnipotent! (Ha-ha!)
LOSSY & Lu’s SUPER SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT NEWSLETTER!
Peek beneath the bed! Learn tips for building your own media empire! Get super hot takes (ouch!) from Lu’s toyshelf of correspondents! And more!